Sunday, August 23, 2015

trust and let go

Even though I've never seen your face, I miss you more than words can say.... 

Tonight, all of a sudden, a wave of grief came over me. I was having such a great day. I spent the afternoon looking through old pictures, mostly of Benjamin and Leo when they were babies. Seeing myself pregnant for the first time and as a young mom brought back so many memories. 

I didn't want my childbearing years to end like this -- with a miscarriage and thrust into early perimenopause. It seems so incomplete somehow. I've always seen myself with six children. And I guess technically I do have six children. But my heart aches tonight. Wishing I had not lost my baby. Thinking how my life would be so different now if I hadn't miscarried. 

I read this quote the other day - "It's ok not to be ok." And that's so true. It's ok that I'm crying for my lost baby tonight. And it's also ok that things didn't go as I had planned. One day, when I see Jesus face to face and I get to hold my baby, I will understand why this happened. But until then, I must trust and let go and then trust and let go again...


Sunday, August 16, 2015

be brave // keep going

The brave ones are scared, but do it anyway. 

be brave

keep going.

Sunday, August 2, 2015



evolution, rebirth, alteration, change, 
mutation, transformation, transfiguration


It's been over seven months since I last blogged. Honestly, it has been a long season of grieving, questioning, searching, thinking, and seeking God. My miscarriage back in October really threw me for a loop. My faith was shaken. And the grief and sadness that came over me were like no other I had ever experienced before. And in the months that followed, I began to seriously think I was going crazy. I went to a doctor and found out that my hormones were all out of balance and began taking natural supplements and doing bioidentical hormone replacement therapy. It has been a long process, but I am finally starting to feel balanced. I am learning to eat healthier and take better care of myself. And I have found my peace with God. I am 100% not the person I was before I lost the baby. I am completely different. And I am so so thankful. Loss and pain and grief can transform us like nothing else can. I am more compassionate to those around me that are hurting. I am more dependent on God. I am more tranparent with others. These past nine months has been such a profound and life-changing season for me. 

So here I am, ready to plunge back into the world of blogging again. I know that I have something to say. I know that I have a story to tell. The enemy can't silence me anymore. There is healing that can come out of brokenness. 


Friday, January 23, 2015

He sees you

I've been thinking a lot tonight about the power of the hidden place. For years, I dreamed of singing on big stages and doing big things for God as a worship leader. Things changed when I started having kids. I stepped off the stage and into a home with diapers and baby food and Legos and endless laundry and dirty dishes. So often, I would cry in my kitchen as I swept the floor. I would get on my knees on the hard linoleum. And I would ask God why I never got to do the things in my dreams. And He began to do a work in my heart. He began to show me the power of the hidden place; the beauty of invisibility. The multitudes may not know my name, but HE knows my name. I may not have a microphone, but I have the ear of the King. He bends down low to hear the songs in my mouth. Every melody, every cry, every prayer - He is captivated. And He is listening. And my songs and prayers are doing something in the spiritual realm. >> So I say to you out there who are reading this - there is POWER in your worship and intercession in the secret hidden place. Your Audience of One is listening. You have stirred His heart to move and act. Do not despise your invisibility. HE SEES YOU!


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