Saturday, March 5, 2016

He wants my heart.



I've been doing a lot of soul searching. 

I've been praying, crying, and praying some more. There's several big things I've been asking God for. Big, seeming impossible things. Dreams that are God-sized. 

I had a breakthrough finally the other day. I was begging the Lord for wisdom, crying out - "God, what do YOU want?" And you know what He immediately answered, as clear as day? He said in that still small voice -- "YOUR HEART." 

I learned in that instant - that the journey I'm on is not about the things God will or won't give me, the prayers that will or won't get answered in the way that I'm contending for. The journey He has me on is all about MY HEART.

It's about trusting Him, through it all, whether He answers my prayers or not. 

All we go through in life is a vehicle in which our hearts are refined. He uses our experiences, our waiting, our pain, all of it - He uses everything to draw our hearts closer to His heart.


 

Sunday, November 8, 2015

security


"Your sense of security must not rest in your possessions or in things going your way. I am training you to depend on Me alone, finding fulfillment in My Presence. This entails being satisfied with much or with little, accepting either as My will for the moment. Instead of grasping and controlling, you are learning to release and receive. Cultivate this receptive stance by trusting Me in every situation." (Jesus Calling, 11/07)

Sunday, August 23, 2015

trust and let go



Even though I've never seen your face, I miss you more than words can say.... 


Tonight, all of a sudden, a wave of grief came over me. I was having such a great day. I spent the afternoon looking through old pictures, mostly of Benjamin and Leo when they were babies. Seeing myself pregnant for the first time and as a young mom brought back so many memories. 


I didn't want my childbearing years to end like this -- with a miscarriage and thrust into early perimenopause. It seems so incomplete somehow. I've always seen myself with six children. And I guess technically I do have six children. But my heart aches tonight. Wishing I had not lost my baby. Thinking how my life would be so different now if I hadn't miscarried. 


I read this quote the other day - "It's ok not to be ok." And that's so true. It's ok that I'm crying for my lost baby tonight. And it's also ok that things didn't go as I had planned. One day, when I see Jesus face to face and I get to hold my baby, I will understand why this happened. But until then, I must trust and let go and then trust and let go again...



 

Sunday, August 16, 2015

be brave // keep going

The brave ones are scared, but do it anyway. 

be brave

keep going.

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