This is gonna be a hard post for me to write.
But, it's a big part of who I used to be (maybe still am),
so I thought it would be important to share.
so I thought it would be important to share.
I used to sing. A lot. In fact, I majored in it in college. Vocal Performance, to be exact.
That was what people knew me by.
You know - Lora, the singer.
Lora, the worship leader.
Lora, that girl that plays guitar and sings.
It was all I ever wanted to do. It was what I found my identity in.
I was good at it. And people praised me because of it.
But, as I got older and started having children, that part of my life quickly took a back seat to other callings. Specifically, being a wife and mother.
But, I still missed those times where I would get up on stage and sing to the crowds.
And I hate to admit, I also missed those times afterward when I would get compliments and words of affirmation. You see, I was a Vocal Performance major. And I was good at performing. I had been trained how to perform.
But, I knew deep down that God had not made my voice for that. He had made it for more than entertainment. He had made it for worship. For Him alone. And, I decided about 8 or 9 years ago, to lay it down. The opportunities slowly stopped coming my way. And I let that part of my life go. (I am tearing up now, by the way.) Clint always encouraged me to play my guitar and sing around the house, with him, with the kids. But, I didn't want to. Maybe it was because the audience wasn't there. I don't know. I am still trying to figure all of that out. Maybe it was because I thought I didn't have anything to write about. Or that I thought I just wasn't good enough anymore.
But, lately, I've been feeling God woo me back to Him. Specifically, woo my voice back to Him.
And, I confess it's been a little bit scary. I feel the most vulnerable when I sing. But, I also feel the most alive.
A few nights ago, I was crying in my living room. If you are a regular reader of this blog of mine, you know I've been in a rough season. Well, there I was crying, (suffering from a bad migraine, too) in my lazy-boy recliner. And all of a sudden, this thought came to me (I wrote it down so I wouldn't forget it):
...maybe God's been taking me through these years of heartache, disappointment and testing so that i would have something to write about. songs to write to bring people freedom and healing.
And all of a sudden, (after a few gentle nudges by the words of my sweet friend Danielle) I had this sudden urge to go get my guitar. I didn't even know where it was. I looked everywhere, all over the house, and couldn't find it. I went into our big hall closet and crawled back into the very back of it (which was stuffed with coats and random stuff), trying to find it back there. As I pushed through the coats, I thought of the wardrobe in Chronicles of Narnia. It was so strange. I pushed and pushed my way through to the back and could not find my guitar. And then, the big tears came. I laid on the floor, surrounded by coats, and sobbed.
And then something miraculous happened.
The songs started to come.
Lyrics and lyrics. Melodies upon melodies.
God was awakening the song inside of me.
The song that has been dormant for almost ten years.
I made my way out of the closet, and sat down on the couch in my living room. The only musical instrument I could find was one of the kid's toy keyboards. So, I used that to help me find the notes for the melodies. And I wrote and wrote. And healing came. When I was finished, my migraine was gone. And my heart felt more alive than it had in a very long time.
Clint found a guitar for me when he got home from work late that night, and I figured out the chords to the song that was the most completed lyrically.
And then, I sang that song to my sweet supportive husband.
One day, I'll let the world hear it. But for now, only a few friends and family members have heard it. I am not ready yet to make myself that vulnerable. But, I am so happy that God has brought this gift back to me. For HIM. Not for performance. Not for the approval and praise of others. But for Him. And the cool part is, I also get to benefit. Because as I pour my heart of praise out to Him, He pours out His love and HIS approval back into me.
I wrote all of this to say this:
To those of you that feel like a dream in your heart has died -
Don't ever give up.
It's never too late.
He has not forgotten you.
Nor has he forgotten the secret dreams in your heart.
And He is working it all out in His perfect timing.
And in His perfect way.